Part One
Royal Documentary
[The episode begins with a Union Jack flag waving in the sky. The episode title ‘Royal Spitting Image’ appears in a red cursive font.]
Prince Philip: Good boy, put the nails in your mouth. In your mouth, in- that’s it, good boy. Now let’s get this nail in here and-
[Philip is seen at the base of the flag with Prince William.]
Voice: My lords, ladies and gentlemen, [Philip panics. We cut to a door.] we are extremely privileged tonight to be [the door opens, revealing Queen Elizabeth sitting down] permitted an unprecedented glimpse into that most revered of British institutions, the monarchy.
Queen Elizabeth: Hello.
Voice: Her Britannic majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second-
Elizabeth: Hello.
Voice: -has graciously consented to be our guide through the august and century old palace-
Elizabeth: Oh, do get on with it!
Voice: -of which she is [?].
Elizabeth: What?!
Voice: From time in memoriam, Buckingham Palace has been home to the royal family.
Elizabeth: Everyone knows that.
Voice: What?
Elizabeth: Look, is this for America or something?
Voice: I dunno, love. It’s just a glimpse.
Elizabeth: Go away, I’ll do it myself. Sorry. [she gestures to her left] Princess Michael of Kent. Hello. I’m the Queen. I thought you’d like to see what I do on an average day. Well, first of all let’s meet the family.
Meeting The Family
[A pair of doors open revealing Prince Andrew, who is singing Ship Ahoy! (All the Nice Girls Love a Sailor).]
Queen Elizabeth: Oh! My sailor son, Andrew.
Prince Andrew: Sorry, ma. Can’t stop now. Mustn’t keep a lady waiting.
Elizabeth: Andrew, for heaven’s sake, behave yourself.
Andrew: Sorry, ma, I’ve got to go. Doctor’s orders.
Elizabeth: Doctor’s orders?
Andrew: Ya, I have to be kissed three times a day after meals.
Elizabeth: What?
Andrew: Ya, otherwise I turn into a frog. [he puts a frog mask on] Oh help help! Croak croak. I’m having one of my turns!
Elizabeth: [taking the mask off] Oh don’t be so stupid!
Andrew: Oh help, croak croak, I must have a snog, ma.
Elizabeth: Andrew, a little peck on the lips is one thing, but all the rest of the hanky-panky’s just out of-
Andrew: Look, ma, obviously I’ve got to be kissed all over, haven’t I?
Elizabeth: What?
Andrew: Well, otherwise, I’d be a frog with prince lips, wouldn’t I? Ciao, ma! [he walks off] Croak croak!
Elizabeth: Right. [she turns back to the camera] Well, now we’re going to meet someone very special. A real treat. Come on.
[We cut to a door. Elizabeth knocks on it.]
Elizabeth: Diana?
Princess Diana: Who is it?
Elizabeth: The Queen of England.
Diana: Ja?
Elizabeth: Oh, um, could I have your autograph?
Diana: Just go away, okay?
Elizabeth: Right. I’m sorry. Well, she’s awfully busy. Fabulous to work with, a real professional. Uh, excuse me for a moment. Must go to arrange my party, so much to do!
Charles’s Letters
[We cut to Prince Charles in an office.]
Prince Charles: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! What is one to do! [There’s a knock.] Come in.
[Andrew walks in.]
Prince Andrew: Ah, Chuck, I wondered if I could borrow your pen, yeah. Mine’s run out of ink. It’s all these damn autographs.
Charles: Afraid not, old man. Rather needed one self. Got thousands to answer.
Andrew: Really? I heard your bag wasn’t all that full.
Charles: Au contrare, au contrare, one’s had hundreds. Dozens. Well, eight. Ish.
Andrew: Okay, how many letters did you get?
Charles: One.
Andrew: Sorry, how many letters did one get?
Charles: No, I mean one only got one.
Andrew: Oh dear!
Charles: And that was from some woman in Sheffield saying how disappointed she was when one didn’t turn up to open a hospital with one’s wife.
Andrew: Well that sounds okay.
Charles: But the point is one did turn up! One even made a speech! One talked to the workers and one quipped a rather amusing joke about an outside loo! Randy, you’ve got to help me!
Andrew: Listen, Chuck, perhaps you’re too old. Time to hand over to another man younger, more thrusting.
Charles: What?
Andrew: Me!
Charles: No, help me, Randy, don’t just stab me in the back.
Andrew: Sorry Chuck, old man, would like to but no can do. You know what they say about lame ducks, don’t you? [he takes out a gun] Here you are, old man, do the decent thing. Love to stay and help but I have to go and roger someone. Sorry, I’ve got to go and see someone called Roger. Can’t remember his name. Ciao, Chuck!
Charles: Where the hell is one going to find a lame duck in the middle of London this time of year?
Andrew: [voice] Look in the mirror!
[Charles groans. A blindfold is wrapped around his eyes.]
Charles: What?
Photo Session
[Elizabeth is seen posing for Patrick Lichfield.]
Patrick Lichfield: Okay, come on. Lovely. Swing it, darling. Swing it for me. Toss it, toss it. Go on, move for me. Let’s come on, let’s see those lips for me. Go on. I want you now.
Queen Elizabeth: Oh hello! There you are!
Lichfield: Head up, darling.
Elizabeth: If you think about it, I’m one of the world’s highest paid models.
Lichfield: Okay, darling, flash those [?] for me.
Elizabeth: Right now, Lichfield and I are updating my 1985 portfolio.
Lichfield: That’s lovely, sweetheart, now turn around. Let’s see those shoulders.
[The screen flashes with different priced stamps and Elizabeth in different wigs and outfits.]
Royal Masonic Lodge
[Charles is still seen being led blindfolded by Philip.]
Prince Philip: Come on, come on, Charles, don’t be such a wet thing, come on.
Prince Charles: Look, what’s going on here, father?
Philip: You can’t judge something until you’ve tried it!
Charles: What? What do you mean?
Philip: Ah, here we are. [He goes to a sign labelled Laundry and opens it, revealing a second sign reading ‘Royal Masonic Lodge’ ‘Knock twice’. He knocks twice before closing the sign.] That’s our secret knock!
Charles: What?
[Philip removes the blindfold.]
Philip: Right, blindfold off.
Charles: Look, I don’t need to go to the laundry now.
Philip: [He puts a piece of tinsel around Charles’s neck with a cucumber attached.] You’re not. Cucumber on.
Charles: Cucumber?!
Philip: Here we go. [He leads Charles through the door.]
Charles: Oh no!
[The room is revealed to have many other famous figures each with the tinsel and cucumber on.]
James Callaghan: The symbol of fertility and brotherhood.
Philip: Cucumber be thy name.
Callaghan: Enter, Brother Philip.
Philip: Thanks, Brother Jim.
Charles: Look, isn’t this sort of secret society illegal?
Michael Heseltine: No. If the law found out about it, it wouldn’t be a secret would it? So it wouldn’t be illegal.
Philip: Come on, son. Meet the gang. Brother Michael, Brother Ronald, Brother François, Brother Mick, Brother Margaret, Brother Arthur.
Arthur Scargill: Hello brothers!
[The crowd give a varied ‘hello’ each.]
Charles: Good Lord, everyone’s here! The only person who’s not here must be the Pope!
Voice: Pray your indulgence for the Grand Master.
[The Pope enters.]
Pope: Buenos días. Guten Abend. Have a nice day. And a [?] on Sunday to you.
[Everyone bows.]
Man’s Best Friend
[We cut to the Queen sitting down with Prince William on her lap.]
Voice: And cue, your majesty!
Queen Elizabeth: For as long as I can remember, our family have always loved and been closely associated with man’s best friend, the horse. A four-legged friend- [William eats a flower.] a four-legged friend who’ll never let you down. My daughter Anne is a fanatical show jumper, the Prince of Wales is very keen on polo, and my other two sons, although not the sporting type, always enjoy a ride when the opportunity arises.
Voice: Two seconds, your majesty!
Elizabeth: And now over to Windsor for something we recorded earlier in the day.
Tour around Windsor Castle
Queen: And here we are in the famous trophy room of Windsor. This one was presented to us by Omar Shariff, and this one was shot by Captain Mark Philips, and this one eh… looks better in the other room.
Prince Philip’s hat
Richard: Sweeties, honeybuns, darling peace men. This ??? Vegetable is one for which i
Dennis: You get to meet some very influential people here, ah brother Mark
Mark: Brother father, hello who are you?
[Gets smacked]
Charles: Is that a secret handshake?
Dennis: No it’s a ???? [laughs]
TBA
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something to drop on the iraqi infidels
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oh sorry
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that's really more of volkswagen you
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need isn't it
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very strong very good
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[Music]
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look darling there we are in canada move
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and there we are in salon oh look look
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there's
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granny in hong kong look phillip
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a word in your ear old son please don't
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come to
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these meetings wearing that silly hat
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it's not clever and it's not funny it's
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not a hat
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this new herbal shampoo i'm trying i
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can't do anything with it
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here in the fertile hinterland of the
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duke of edinburgh
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our search for the great american
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anteater
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continues and then david says what's
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wrong lovey we put out a line of ants
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oh what did you say well i said a line
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of ants dave at a line events
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put out a line of cocaine then we'll be
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talking
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it gives me tremendous pleasure as
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founder of the duke of edinburgh's
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awards scheme
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to present the award in the category is
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survival skills
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and the nominees are a sheep a bird
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no idea what that one is and a giant
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south american entity
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and the winner is the giant south
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american antigen
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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well many many congratulations to you
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the only
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surviving giant south american anteater
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well done allow me to decorate you with
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this the most
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endangered species
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i don't think you've met my sister
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margaret yet have you
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oh well i don't think we'd better see
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her at the moment
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are you going to the queen's party yes
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as a matter of fact i am well i'm asking
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you to show
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solidarity with the miners by not
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crossing the picket line
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no i've got to go through because i'm
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sure the
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great gandhi the mahatma would have felt
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exactly like i do what do you mean
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i'm absolutely starving
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[Applause]
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hello my little picnic rug oh you're
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certainly a bit fed up
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well yes i am what is it that time of
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the week again
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yes that awful thatcher person's due
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here any minute
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uh i know why don't you ask that woman
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who imitates you to stand in for you
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i would but the poor land's just back
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from jordan she's absolutely exhausted
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ah i tell you what
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i say diana who is it charles
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charles who the hubby wubby dear
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oh you're i wonder could i nip in and
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get my trousers
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no why not i've eaten them
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and not another pear oh
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aren't they sweet when they're expecting
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i'm ready to see you now mom
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come good morning mom
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so mrs thatcher how are all the nazis in
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the conservative party
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i can assure you mom there are no nazis
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in the conservative party
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mom your curtain is moving but surely i
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thought your father was a german grocer
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a grandson grocer my father was the king
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of england
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be that as it may your majesty there's
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only one
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woman in power who really matters
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you mean mr benson yes but i don't count
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tv personalities
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like you for instance your majesty
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i fear there may be an intruder behind
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that curtain oh don't be absurd mrs
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thatcher
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security hair is so tight not even the
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corgis wind moves freely about the
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palace moors the pity
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oh oh do excuse me for a moment mrs
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thatcher
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in this sort of crisis one must be firm
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it worked in the falklands it can work
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again now
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stead of the buffs
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[Music]
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oh my lord your highness oh my god oh my
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god
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oh my god
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oh my god enter
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[Music]
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hello darling oh the letters fine fine
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going very well oh
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good we heard one haven't had all that
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many do come true
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control once just a thousand oh good
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let's take a look
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no no no dear hrh
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i think you're wonderful and i much
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prefer you to
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your wife oh her lover yes
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wait a minute darling
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this is your writing no no it's from
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mike yarwood the [ __ ]
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imitates me don't worry darling it
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doesn't matter if the nation's forgotten
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who you are
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i'll always love you and i'm the queen
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so that must come for something
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yes yes
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[Music]
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oh mumsy thank you that's all right
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edward darling
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what
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everything go according to players uh
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tickety-boo
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thanks to canaan banana's comedy as a
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guy
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yes that'll shut her up for a couple of
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weeks
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[Music]
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not too much you're frightening the
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corgis
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hello world horse oh hello dennis rough
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day
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ghostly oh dear what's up old trout oh
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everything
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unemployment's up again the dlc went
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playable
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this morning i went and killed off the
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duke of edinburgh
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then there's the miners i haven't been
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invited to the queen's park
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never mind old having it's all happened
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before what
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merging the joke of edinburgh well no
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but what about the seal calling holiday
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you had in canada
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don't ever mention that again dennis yes
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right sorry
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mum's the word oh my god there's a
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policeman at the door what
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oh you twerp dennis this is number 10
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remember
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yes of course see me
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[Music]
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welcome to the party everyone's here
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and we're all terribly excited because
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princess diana's promised to make an
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appearance
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so come on in and bring a bottle
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margaret you're looking lovely your
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royal highness i'm sure all mothers to
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be will want to know exactly how your
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wife plans to have her next baby
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well obviously she'll want to have it as
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naturally as possible oh so no epidural
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not even gas and air no she'll be
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adopting the post-exterior vice regal
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position
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i see that means she'll squat does it no
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that means she'll wait outside while
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someone else has it for her
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i remember one reception for the
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maharaja of japan oh yes thank you
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uh thank you mom not just a time
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you haven't touched a thing charles
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hence i can tempt you with a pity for
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well just a small one then i'm really
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not very a mother the french
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ambassador's been sick on one of the
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corgis
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we shouldn't have eaten one of the
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corpses go and sort it out
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of course
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is there anything more we could do to
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help your business
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ah subtly just keep putting money into
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british island
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what is your fighting weight these days
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bigger pardon bob
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wait what to wait oh no no no of course
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you're more of a phantom weight
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oh i see boxing
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no mom i am not a boxer i'm prime
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minister of zimbabwe remember
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of course i knew that i suppose being
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prime minister doesn't leave much time
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for fighting
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oh look my old friend kenneth cowan to a
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none of my friends are boxers and as a
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matter of fact i don't even know any
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boxers
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oh well in that case you must come and
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meet the president of botswana
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[Applause]
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that'll teach him to go around nicking
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my colonies
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it's grossly unjust grossly unjust what
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you mean the fact that this sort of
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thing goes on with four and a half
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million people unemployed no i mean the
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fact that i'm only
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44 and as ball as a chimps ass oh
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dreadfulness
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britain's choking to death mom oh that's
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the tory government for you
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and let me say i was wrong when i stated
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that people with nothing to do all day
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turned to crime
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after all i didn't
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it will be such a wonderful wonderful
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occasion
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the royal birth i can see it all the
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balcony scene
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crowd simply raving everybody there in
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the dress
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a lime organza avocado sleeves but i
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don't care for green
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not you dear me ew don't tell
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your charming wife to keep not
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taking the tablets that's neutral it's
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real son nervous
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oh this is useless what am i gonna do
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it's absolutely pathetic help me mom
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andrew please go away and leave us alone
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and take off that silly mask
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not a very convincing frog is he no the
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accent is all wrong and you should have
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onions and a bicycle
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mrs brushnev why did your husband keep a
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beautiful young lady in his bedroom
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because he was married to her buster
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last week we had 44 000
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citizenship applications and how many of
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you granted
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well months so far they've still got the
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canoeing and long jump to do yet
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i say you there you gorgeous dusky
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beauty come here
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hello there oh what's your name
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have you seen daddy i saw him earlier
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but he's gone off with the tablecloth
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oh for the tablecloth
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yes this should be a bit of a giggle
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kick like
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come on feel serious now
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[Music]
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[Music]
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tonight maggie i'm sober
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last week tiny foolish mark thatcher
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flew to america
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supposedly to get himself a new job but
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what was he really
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after oh that's better
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[Music]
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when last we left the president his
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brain the president's wife the
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president's monkey
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and the president's oldest friend meets
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were missing
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now incredibly the president himself is
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missing where is the president
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tune in next week for a thrilling
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episode of the president is missing
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THE PRESIDENT IS MISSING!
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well mr president is it election day what november already you mean i've missed trick or treat why did no one tell me id no not that election the really important one down in el honduragua ill honduragua oh i get it ed we're talking in cold right wrong mr president el hondaraga is a
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country in central america it's vital that our man wins to vent them comments get in our backyard why do they want to get into our backyard ed there's only grass and flowers and unless it's my swing thereafter who's running for president daniel hondragua
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well there's generalissimo rudolfo mr atrocity garcia for the greasy fastest party and uh umberto the hatch at hernandez for the not as greasy but more fastest party witches are man eddie well hell both of them so where's the problem well the problem's the third candidate uh
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comrade pedro stalin are the people's popular liberation of social democrats ed oh wait whatever we do the most important thing is that democracy prevails ed and that whoever gets in does as we tell him at times like this head i often think of truman's famous words
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what's that mr president yes you can drop the bomb on the japs hey yet i've got it why don't we send down 10 000 voting advisors well hell i don't know mr president we don't want to drift towards another vietnam why is it no one likes the memory of
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vietnam ed why don't they think about the good things that war gave us like apocalypse now or the theme from the deer hunter right again mr president but uh there's still a lot of people expressing concern over the speed with which we're becoming military involved in central america
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for goodness sake yet i'm going as fast as i can yes sir mr president
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CRIMINAL LIBEL
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we present criminal libel a show that tells the truth your presenter harold angry person good evening after my sensational
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SENSATIONAL REVELATION
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revelation three weeks ago that mrs thatcher might in fact be bald it becomes a simple matter to explain all the recent cock-ups in tory policy for example the day after was michael hesseltine's pathetic and unbelievable effort to stop the showing of this movie
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and attempt to predict mrs thatcher's feelings because of the mass boldness and portrayed after the holocaust or even more horrible is this scenario oh dear oh dear i've got to have something that can't come off no matter what my wig must be able to withstand nuclear attack
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imagine what you would do for morale if the bomb dropped and next time i appear on panorama i must bald as a coat but after the attack everyone will be bald my god that's right good thinking dennis jeffrey all out for nuclear war don't ask why just do it jolly d i love a good scrap
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so you see you see that explains a lot doesn't it eh right that's all for this week emily brings you the truth by the way three more things that i got to mention just now one if mrs thatcher isn't prejudiced towards ball people how the hell does rhodes boysen get into positions of
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responsibility two mrs thatcher's eye operation ha the only thing wrong with their eyes is a winking's slipping over them and three will somewhat turn the bloody lights on in here how the hell am i supposed to do my research in pitch darkness well good night old sausage hadn't you
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forgotten something philip oh do i have to oh i'd rather you did could we not tonight i'm tired oh you know i always look forward to it oh right then good and don't forget to wear your hat one more time [Music] let's me [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] bye