Part One
Intro
Alastair Burnet: So, Leon Brittan has resigned. Or has he? He’s such a little liar, we just can’t tell.
(Brittan coughs in the background.)
A Message to Tom
Murdoch and the Printers
Goodbye Prime Minister
[A parody of the Yes Minister titles play. Leon Brittan replaces Jim Hacker and Robert Armstrong replaces Humphrey Appleby.]
Leon Brittan: Sir Robert, I want an official inquiry into the source of this leak.
Robert Armstrong: Alright.
Brittan: Good!
Armstrong: It was you.
Brittan: No! I meant the kind of official inquiry that never finds out the real culprit!
Armstrong: Exactly. That’s why I said it was you. You don’t think I’m going to point the finger at Thatcher, do you?
Brittan: I-I! But this is ghastly! It’s just like the Sarah [?]!
Armstrong: Oh come on, Leon. There’s absolutely no similarity between the leaks made by Sarah [?] and those made by you.
Brittan: Why not, [?].
Armstrong: Because [?] spent six months in the slammer and you’re going to spend it in your huge house in the country.
Brittan: Oh yes!
Armstrong: Better?
Royal Family Dinner
Metropolitan Police Advertisement
The Met Prepare
Thatcher’s House
Margaret Thatcher: You know, as a patriotic Prime Minister, I regard Britain as my own little house. London is my front doorstep where I look out onto the world. Up on top there’s Scotland, my bedroom. Then Kent, my garden, and the Home Counties, my comfortable lounge. Yorkshire, my coal house, and Northern Ireland the spare room where I stick all the rubbish.
Douglas Hurd: Prime Minister, you missed out the lavatory.
Thatcher: Where else but Liverpool?
[The Cabinet start singing You’ll Never Walk Alone as a boot squashes them.]
Walden Interviews Botha
Attenborough Documents A Baby Seal
Hollywood
Mr. Death
Paisley Talks To God
The Two Davids Go Fishing
[David Owen and David Steel are seen fishing. Steel is holding a fish.]
David Owen: Suffice to say that you could be Minister for Holding the Fish.
David Steel: Oh thank you David!
[A UFO flies overhead and starts to land.]
Steel: Oh! Oh, oh David, protect me!
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Owen: Well that’s a bit tricky. If you could just wait ’till after the election when under agreed procedure…
Steel: The candidate with the largest proportion of elected representatives…
Owen: Shall be deemed leader of the SDP-Liberal Alliance.
Steel: In the meantime, just talk to David.
Owen: Yes.
Singing Hymns
It’s Nice To Know…
The BBC Licence Fee
David Owen: Ah, give me a gin and tonic. Better make it a double. I am celebrating what amazing value the BBC licence fee is. For only £58, you get the best programmes in the world.
?: Well there are those dreadful American imports.
Owen: Alright. But apart from the dreadful American imports.
Paul Daniels: Terrible magic shows!
?: And boring chat shows.
Owen: Apart from the rather dreadful American imports, the terrible magic and the boring chat.
Rat: What about [?] Rat?
?: [?].
?: Desmond Wilcox?
?: And all those dull new sports like snooker, bowls and tiddlywinks.
?: And commentators who always get it right.
?: Wrong!
?: I mean wrong.
?: And repeats.
Owen: Alright, alright, apart from the imports, the magic, the chat, the rat, [?], Wilcox, dull sports, incompetent commentators and the repeats, it is amazing value.
?: What about the banned programmes?
?: And the biased news!
?: Fairly regional programmes.
?: [?] nasty game shows!
?: A tweed little domestic situation comedy.
?: And Little and Large.
Owen: Alright, alright, alright, but it’s still good value for money.
Terry Wogan: Hah! Tell me this, he said quivering. If the BBC is so bloody wonderful, why are we all here in this pub instead of at home watching telly?
Everyone: Oh, shut up, Wogan!
Narrator: The BBC. Could you do better on only £2.2 million a day?
Definitions of Westminster
Part Two
Sud Pacifique
Attenborough Documents the Rainforest
Repetition
Thatcher Changes Herself
Care O Clear
Ants Talk Hospital
Tebbit at Hospital
Norman Tebbit: Listen, worm. Three, I ordered, and three I want. A man like me needs something filling in the morning.
Margaret Thatcher: Three Neil Kinnocks in the morning? That’s impossible.
It's Nice To Know… 2
Narrator: This is the man who won a fortune from North Sea Oil and lost it all paying out social security. This is the man who backed Johnson Matthew Bank[?] and watched it go down the tubes. This is the man whose assets were worth billions and who sold them off for bigger all. This is the man who buggers up anything he gets into. It’s nice to know there’s someone you can rely on and it’s not Nigel Lawson.
Sports News
The Bar
It's Nice To Know… 3
Narrator: This is the man who thinks it was okay to sink the Belgrano. This is the man who tried to send Clive Ponting to prison for telling the truth. This is the man who sent the British army in to fight a bunch of women because they don’t share his enthusiasm for armageddon. This is the loony who flies a Westland helicopter. It’s nice to know everyone in the Cabinet has something to resign on.