Part One
Heseltine’s Resignation
[A Cabinet meeting. Thatcher is holding a piece of paper.]
Margaret Thatcher: I have here Michael Heseltine’s resignation. It says, “Dear Michael, you’re fired. Be out of the building in ten minutes.”
[The Cabinet cheer as it leads into the opening credits.]
Awaiting Princess Michael
[The Royal Family are seen at a table eating breakfast. Charles is reading a book called ‘The Joy of Sex’ while Diana is reading a book called ‘The Joys of Celibacy’. The Queen is singing while reading a copy of The Sun.]
Queen Elizabeth: Merry Christmas, everyone…!
[Philip and Edward are playing a board game.]
Prince Philip: Look, you stupid credin, it’s Coldits. You’re supposed to break out, not tunnel in.
Prince Edward: Right. I think I’ve got it now. [he moves a piece] Check!
Philip: Stupid boy!
[He hits him with the game box. The Queen Mother whistles from behind a corner.]
Edward: Okay! She’s coming!
Prince Charles: Oh no, Princess Michael…
Philip: Princess [?], you mean.
Elizabeth: Philip!
Prince Andrew: [peering out of the window] She’s parking the [?] now.
[Philip chuckles.]
Elizabeth: Shut up, Andy! Philip, get rid of the game.
Philip: Oh, alright… [he throws the box away]
Elizabeth: Okay, everyone, act natural. Don’t panic, and don’t mention the war.
Philip: Don’t mention the war.
Elizabeth: Right.
[The family start making plane noises. Charles ducks under. Someone starts speaking in German and Harry cries. Everyone slowly quiets down.]
Elizabeth: Look, everyone be nice to her. We’ve got to be nice.
Charles: Yes. After all, it’s not her fault she’s a member of the royal family.
Philip: Yes it is.
Charles: Oh, yes. Sorry, I was thinking of Kaiser Wilhelm II.
Elizabeth: That’s enough, Charles! Everyone behave! [She notices Harry wearing an SS officer helmet] Oh! Oh, the helmet! Diana! [Diana takes the helmet off] Take that thing off Harry and if I hear one snidy mention from anyone about her background, I’ll hit you!
[Andrew does a Nazi salute.]
Andrew: Heil Hitler.
[Everyone laughs except Elizabeth.]
Elizabeth: That’s exactly what I mean.
Philip: Don’t worry, we won’t be Nazi to her.
[Everyone laughs again.]
Andrew: Would anyone like some Reich crispies?
[More laughter. Harry attempts a salute.]
Elizabeth: I’m warning you, if I hear one word out of- [She sees Edward wearing the helmet] Oh! Oh! Give me that, Edward!
[Edward hands over the helmet, which is in front of her as Princess Michael enters.]
Princess Michael: Good morning everyone.
Everyone: Good morning, Princess Michael.
[Charles clears his throat. Elizabeth pours cereal into the helmet.]
Elizabeth: Well my dear! What’s all this I’ve been hearing about you and some Texan millionaire?
[Everyone gasps and starts ducking down under the table.]
French and British Cars
[A mechanical Grace Jones' head emerges from some sand and rotates, her mouth opening. A car comes out. The head rotates and goes back under, a caption reading FRENCH CAR. Her buttocks emerges and opens, and a car attempts to get out but can’t. It eventually does and falls off the platform with a farting sound. A caption reads BRITISH CAR.]
Cecil’s Frustration
[We cut to Cecil Parkinson.]
Cecil Parkinson: You swine. You traitor. You rat! You’ve ruined my political career. Why can’t you just leave me in peace? Hm? Hm? [The setting fades out revealing he’s in a bathroom and he’s speaking to his genitals.] Well, you’ve always got me into trouble, but now you’ve really gone too far. I’m going to teach you a lesson, you little- [He pulls his zipper up and screams in pain.]
Geoffrey Howe: Steady on, Cecil.
Maxwell Headroom
[A caption appears reading MAXWELL HEADROOM. Robert Maxwell appears in a Max Headroom location.]
Robert Maxwell: Hi. I’m Maxwell. And a year ago I bought the Daily Mirror. That was about the last time anyone did. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Some Bad News
[Kenneth Newman is seen in front of a table with a toy police car and normal car. Dimbleby comes over.]
Kenneth Newman: What is it, Dimbleby?
Dimbleby: Some bad news, sir. We just caught two police marksmen playing Russian roulette.
Newman: So?
Dimbleby: They shot 14 passerbys.
Maxwell Headroom 2
Maxwell: You know, the Mirror used to be left on politics. Now it’s left on newsstands! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Unfinished sketch
Maxwell Headroom 3
Maxwell: You know, a lot of people come up and say, “Max, Mr. Maxwell, sir, why have you cut the staff by a third?” I say to them, “It makes sense. I’ve cut the readership by a third!”
Unfinished sketch
Unfinished sketch
New Year’s Honours List
Bob Geldof: About the New Year’s Honours list, Thatcher didn’t give me anything on the grounds that I didn’t do anything for this country. That’s fair enough because when she retires, I don’t suppose that she’ll be getting anything either.
[unfinished]
Unfinished sketch
Heseltine’s Interview
Michael Heseltine: And let me stress that first of all, you must not fall asleep while I go through the dreary bit about Westland, because in a few minutes I’m going to start attacking the Prime Minister as hopeful.
[The press start talking.]
Press: Can you assure us you writ this speech since your resignation at eleven this morning?
Heseltine: Absolutely, [he holds up a book titled How I Became Prime Minister] and it’s available from most good bookshops, priced £7.99. I first suspected something was amiss on December 13 when I noticed that my name had been removed from the Cabinet minutes. Furthermore, and this is important, my peg had been removed from the Cabinet locker room and the name George Younger had been sewn into all my underpants. I went to register my complaint at 10 Downing Street, which, to my surprise, was now an antique shop. The new owner told me that the Cabinet were on a skipping holiday in Baglywood[?] and I have no reason to disbelieve them.
Press: I would like to ask the ex-Secretary for State for Defence why his collar is up.
Heseltine: I’m sorry but I think you’re trivialising the important issue of how long it’s going to take me to become leader of the Party with boring questions about shirt collars and indeed helicopters.
Press: Daily Mail. Mr. Heseltine, I don’t have a question. I just want my editor to see me so I can claim expenses.
Heseltine: A good question, and the answer is yes. She’s a bossy, domineering bitch. But let’s get back to the dreary bit about helicopters, which I’m pretending is the main issue.
Press: Mr. Heseltine! Are the pubs open yet!
Heseltine: Yes, but-
[The press clamber off.]
Terry Wogan Interviews Edward Kennedy
Terry Wogan: Senator Kennedy, you like the suit? No but seriously, when you look back over the years and remember your brothers Jack and Bobby you must get very upset!
Edward Kennedy: Well yes indeed I do get upset. I mean how would you feel if you were the only one in your family not to have screwed Marilyn Monroe? [he sniffs into a tissue]
[Wogan chuckles as the break begins.]
Part Two
Reagan’s 1985 Diary
[Cut to Ronald Reagan’s office.]
Ronald Reagan: [voice] January 1, 1985. Dear Diary, over the coming year within these pages I shall set down my thoughts and tribulations so that - well - posterity may witness the intricate process by which I reached every major decision.
[Reagan’s diary is shown, which depicts different writings of January done in crayon, including Jaunry, January, Jauny, July, and finally Janry.]
Reagan: Those turkeys think that I can’t spell. That’s the one.
[Cut to Reagan’s bedroom. He is sitting in bed unamused while Nancy sleeps.]
Reagan: [voice] April 29. Nothing yet. Huh huh.
[Cut to Reagan on an operating bed.]
Reagan: [voice] July 12. Went into hospital. A doctor removed samples of my skin, which he plans to make into a pair of stout walking boots for his wife.
[Cut to the Reagans with Prince Charles and Princess Diana.]
Reagan: [voice] September 1. I met their Royal Highnesses Prince Chaz and Princess Dave, but they refused to sing any of their cockney songs and they both shaved off their beards.
[Cut to the Geneva Convention. Reagan and Gorbachev are seated in front of a fireplace.]
Reagan: [voice] Novemberish. Met the Soviets in Geneva to discuss human rights, trouble spots and the arms buildup. Spend two hours in a room with some strange guy, but Brezhnev never showed.
Mikhail Gorbachev: Ron, you know what I see when I look into the flames?
Reagan: No, Gorby. What?
Gorbachev: I see our two countries leading together in peace. I see happy smiling faces of our peoples, and I see friendship and trust. How about you?
Reagan: Well, I see a little doggy, a bunny-wunny, and a big hippo on a broomstick. Hell, this is fun.
[Cut to Reagan in his office again.]
Reagan: [voice] December 129. Finally beat Don at LUDO.
Don: Mr. President, Mr. President! We have an idea. You are gonna offer to share our Star Wars technology with the Russians.
Reagan: What? We’re giving the Commies the Force? We must be mad.
Don: No, no, forget the stupid films. Now watch my lips. You are going to offer to share with the Russians our Strategic Defence Initiative Star Wars technology.
Reagan: But isn’t that kind of dangerous, Don?
Don: No.
Reagan: Why not?
Don: Because it doesn’t work!
Reagan: Oh. I get it.
[Everyone laughs nervously.]
British Film Year
Unfinished
Mad Mac 3
[A foggy thunderstorm is shown.]
Narrator: He’s back. Mel Gibson is Harold Macmillan in Mad Mac 3. He came across the wasteland of a ruined society. A land where might was right, a lawless barbarian wilderness. He came to take on the evil queen of [?]. Tina Turner is Margaret Thatcher.
Margaret Thatcher: I want him… silenced.
Norman Tebbit: [with the head of Edward Heath on his head] Yes leader.
Narrator: But nothing could stop him when he went into the Thunderdome.
[Cut to House of Lords. Macmillan speaks slowly and mumbling.]
Lord Lucan: Hear hear! … Sorry.
Narrator: Mad Mac 3. The legend goes on and on and on and on and on and on-
Savile Row, London, England
[unfinished]
[Jeffrey Archer is seen admiring shoes.]
Shopkeeper: Yes, sir, can I help you?
Jeffery Archer: Yes! I’m starting my new job tomorrow as Deputy Conservative Party Chairman, the best selling handsome young novelist Jeffrey Archer smirked in a youngest member of the Cabinet kind of way, and I should like to purchase a pair of shoes from this most famous of all tailoring establishments in Savile Row, London, England! [he looks at the camera and smiles]
Shopkeeper: … are you alright?
Archer: Never better! He smirked in a 45 year old educated at Wellington School and Brasenose College, Oxford, who represented Britain in the 100m in the early ‘60s, once the youngest member of Parliament by winning the Louth by-election in 1969 sort of fashion.
Shopkeeper: You want to buy some shoes then, inquired the shop assistant with a sort of ‘If you don’t stop talking like this, I shall fill your face in for you, chummy’ twinkle in his eye.
Archer: Sorry! It’s a hard habit to break! Apologised the successful but awful hack novelist, married with two children, living in London, and-
[The shopkeeper strangled him.]
Shopkeeper: What kind of shoes?
Archer: The sort of shoes a new Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party might wear!
Shopkeeper: Calf skin? Alligator skin? Buck skin?
Archer: Banana skin.
Shopkeeper: One minute!
[One minute later, Archer is seen wearing banana skins on his feet.]
Archer: Yes…
Shopkeeper: How do they feel?
Archer: They’re just- [He falls over] What I’m looking for! I’ll take ten pairs!
[Unfinished]
We’re Scared of Bob
(Tina Turner)
Once in a while,
comes a call for you and me
(Michael Jackson)
It's a call to which we must respond
(Bob Dylan)
We may be stars,
but we got feelings too
(Mick Jagger)
And there's one thing on which we're all agreed
(Bruce Springsteen)
We're scared of Bob
(Tina Turner)
We're scared of Geldof
(Bruce Springsteen)
We are the ones he screams at like fools
(All)
So let's start singing
(David Bowie)
The cause is just
That cannot be denied
(Tina Turner)
Ah but does he have to make us so petrified
(Wrong numbers)
Some of us here
You may not recognize
Because in truth we really don't belong
But when Bob called us up
We didn't have the guts
To tell him the number he dialed was wrong
(Bruce Springsteen)
We're scared of Bob
(All)
We're scared of Geldof
(Bruce Springsteen)
We're scared that if we try to turn him down we'd all get telled off
(Cyndi Lauper)
Of course I'm nervous
And you'd be jumpy too
If Bob had had a word with you yeah, yeah
(All)
We're scared of Bob
That's why we're singing
(Madonna & Prince)
We get the jitters everytime we hear the phone start ringing
(All)
We're scared of Bob,
We're really frightened,
And when we hear that Irish voice our sphincters all get tightened
Labour Party HQ
[Neil Kinnock, Roy Hattersley, Gerald Kaufman and Denis Healey are seen in a room. Neil is pouring a drink. ??? comes in.]
???: Gentlemen! I think we’ve found a figure whose name will be on the lips of every man, woman and child in the country!
Roy Hattersley: Uh… who’s that?
???: Neil Kinnock, you fool!
Gerald Kaufman: The man who routed the red wreckers! Hoorah! Hoorah!
Neil Kinnock: Um thank you Gerald, thank you Gerald. Don’t overdo it. I just felt it was time to stand up and say there was no room for Militant in a party that is going to win the next election.
[Everyone agrees.]
Hattersley: But Militant aren’t in the Conservative Party.
Kinnock: No Roy. What I’m saying is that no one is going to vote for us so long as Hatton, Benn and Scargill are in this party. So there’s only one thing to do.
Hattersley: Find another job.
Kinnock: No, Roy! What we’ve got to do is get rid of all those people who are going to be a liability at the next election.
Hattersley: Oh! Alright then! Bye Neil!
[Everyone starts leaving.]
Newsflash
Alastair Burnet: Good evening. Following reports in today’s News of the World that the Queen has forbidden Princess Michael to appear on television, we’ve just learnt that Her Majesty has kindly agreed to do the same thing to Terry Wogan. Thank you, ma’am. And now over to Brian Walden in Geneva.
Brian Walden: Good afternoon. I am here on the roof garden of the United Nations building in Geneva, waiting for news on his historic summit. And here they come, the leaders of the world superpowers. Mikhail Gorbachev, Ronald Reagan and Sir Kenneth Newman of the Metropolitan Police. And I think they’re going to make a statement.
Mikhail Gorbachev: We, the Soviet Union, agree to get rid of 200 SS20s.
Ronald Reagan: We, the United States, agree to get rid of 200 ICBMs.
Kenneth Newman: And we, the Metropolitan Police, say thank you very much, they’ll come in very handy!
Poetry Corner
Narrator: Sir John Gielgud’s Poetry Corner. And this week, Sir John Gielgud’s Poetry Corner is occupied by Sir Alec Guinness.
Alec Guinness: The Owl and the Pussycat went to sea in a beautiful green piece boat. They sailed away for a year and a day before being blown out of the water by the French Secret Service.
Talking Personally
[Caption: Talking Personally: The Prince & Princess of Wales with Alastair Burnet]
Alastair Burnet: Your royal highnesses, lick lick slop slop, may I dare to suggest what a honour it be for a mere humble knight to be in thy hallowed presence before the cringing multitudes-
Princess Diana: Just get on with it, okay?
Burnet: Well thank you for being so frank. Turning to you, Prince Charles, sir, your highness, your incredible impression of [?], one of your great interests is helping the unemployed find things to do in their spare time. Where does your interest in this originate?
Prince Charles: Nowhere, really. Just gives me something to do in my spare time.
Burnet: But what was it, cringe fawn, that brought the problem to your attention?
Charles: The dreadful rats.
Burnet: … the rats?
Charles: Yes, the dreadful rats in [?].
Burnet: Oh you mean the riots.
Charles: No I don’t! The rats! Giant black rats! Look at them climbing all over me!
Burnet: One question leading onto that, which I’m sure many people watching tonight would wish me to ask your royal highness is, are you completely and utterly bonkers?
Charles: No! I don’t even know what an Ouija board is! In fact I’ve never heard of the word until I just said it then. Which brings me onto architecture. The buildings in this blasted country are completely naff. And what I can say is-
Burnet: Turning [?] to you now, Princess Diana, you gorgeous bit of stuff, you Royal-send-her-victorious-happy-and-gloriousness, have you in any way altered your husband’s image?
Diana: Not really. Well, I changed the odd tie perhaps.
Charles: The shoes! You’ve changed the shoes!
Diana: I just don’t like [?], that’s all.
Charles: Not at the State Opening of Parliament.
Burnet: Your… peeping coily from under your fringeness, your princessisness, would it perhaps be impertinent of me even to mention the events leading up to your secret nose job while you were in hospital, having, if I may use that word, Prince Harry?
Diana: Look, I haven’t had plastic surgery. It was just a complicated birth, okay, and my nose changed shape!
Burnet: Well thank you your highnesses, final crawl, for graciously allowing me, a mere insect, to soil your presence by breathing the same air which you yourselves have only recently finished with.