Part One
Lord Lucan’s Whereabouts
[After the opening titles plays, Cyril Smith is seen eating a baguette in front of a large dinner table. Lord Lucan emerges from his trousers.]
Cyril Smith: Oi!
Lord Lucan: Hello there, old boy!
Smith: What do you bloody well want, Lucan?
Lucan: I just want to tell you, old boy, how much I appreciate you putting me up like this.
Smith: Well, yes, this is what you keep saying, Lucan, but this can’t go on, you know. You’ve been lying low in the seat of my bloody trousers for the past nine years now. Me bum’s gone numb. I think it’s high time you moved on, Lucan.
Lucan: Yes, well, uh, how about another £500, eh?
Smith: Well, alright, I’ll give you another month to find alternative accommodation, but then I want you out!
Lucan: Oh thank you Cyril! Most kind of you, old chap!
Smith: And stop bringing back those bloody women back at night! Any more of it and I’ll be sending me tailors in to evict you.
Lucan: Sorry!
Newsflash
Narrator: Now we’re going over live to David Coleman in Beirut.
David Coleman: The situation here has worsened dramatically. Despite pleas for the FA chairman [?], boatloads of fans have been arriving in Beirut for what they describe as an international [?]. Late last night, [?] West Ham supporters came to a head on collision with the pro-Israeli Tottenham fans. And we’ve just heard part of the crossfire was a smaller and somewhat bewildered contingent of Christian [?] Arsenal supporters. Ironically, Chelsea fans were absent. I repeat, absent. They’ve been denied visas on account of selling toys and gas to Iran! And earlier today, my hotel was stormed by twenty [?]. I counted them all in and I counted them all back again. This is David Coleman, for ITN, in the Netherlands.
[He is attacked by a fan.]
Voice: David? David?
The Shark Sequence Recording
Voice: David, David. We’d like to re-record your [?] camera for the shark sequence please.
David Attemborough: Right. [he grabs a bucket full of water and puts his head in it] Here amongst the [?] sharks, I am completely quiet. Just as a precaution, I am wearing my brown dive suit.
Voice: Much better, David, thank you. And cue music!
Attenborough: While the- [fade out]
She loves me, she loves me not
Thatcher’s Deputy
Margaret Thatcher: So, who wants to be my deputy?
[The Cabinet chatter.]
Thatcher: So you think I need a deputy, do you?
[The Cabinet shake their heads and murmur.]
Thatcher: It might be not such a bad idea.
[The Cabinet chatter.]
Thatcher: Of course I don’t need a deputy!
[The Cabinet mumble.]
Thatcher: That was a joke.
[A pause, before the Cabinet start laughing.]
Thatcher: Shut up! Now if I hear anymore of you say that I’m overworking, I shall fire you all and do your jobs myself.
[The Cabinet go ‘hear hear’.]
Sporting Image
David Coleman: Good evening. A wondrous show tonight and yet still a marvellous one.
Number 10
Panorama
Kinnocks new look
Summit talk
Great diplomats
The Presidents Brain is Missing
Summit Talks
Robin Day interview
Part 2
Mark Thatcher
Beano Ad
Anthony eats Manilow
Sporting Image
Number 10
So You Think Your Incurable
What Torvill Does With Dean
When I’m with a guy
I find it hard to say,
“Hey, babe, I’d really like to go all the way.”
I find I have to hide
What I really mean
And so I say,
”Hey, babe, I’d like to do what Torvill does to Dean.”
All:
What Torvill does to Dean
What Dean does with Torvill
What girls do with Billie Jean
What Keith Harris does
With Orville
When I’m with a girl
I find it hard too much*
if she and I should be in our birthday suits
To avoid embarrassment,
I find it easier if
I simply say, “Why don’t we do what Sue does with Cliff?”
All:
What Sue does with Cliff
What Cliff does to Sue
What Mel does with Griff
What the Tories do to you
What Sue does with Cliff
And Torvill with Dean
And Britt with everyone
Sometimes it suits
To circumlocute
But it’s nearly always done